Confused. Always.

I love to bake. I really do. But in this new venture, this baking-for-a-living thing, I'm not happy.

I mean really, what was I thinking? I know the current job isn't ideal. I'm not the type of person who likes to be by myself a lot, and at this job, I'm by myself all day long. But how did I actually think I would make money doing this? Sure, accomplished pastry chefs pull in over a 100 grand a year. But to get there, you have to work the endless low-paying, wake-up-at-2-in-the-morning jobs. And I've never been the type to sacrifice life for career. It just doesn't work that way for me, so this business? I don't think it's going to work.

Now, I don't really have to get into how much of a failure I feel like. Because boy, do I feel like a failure. I had a good (albeit low paying) job, with a flexible-ish schedule and some great coworkers. And I left that to go back to school and "follow my dream." Now I'm in debt and pretty much in the same mindset as I was before school, although with even less money. It's not good.

I miss writing. Last week I had an interview set up at a local magazine. It seemed like a great gig - assistant editor - and the salary was so, so much better than what I'm pulling in now. I was psyched. I tried not to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help it. I thought, "I'm a good person. I deserve good things. Finally, my luck is changing!" And then the interview was canceled because they "went in a different direction." And I admit, I was crushed.

In looking back over everything, I have to say I wish I stayed as an art education major. I would have made a great teacher, plus I know it would have made me happy. I switched because I was spending my summers working at a newspaper, and I felt it "made more sense." More sense than what, I don't really know. I am not going to get my teaching certification now; I just know I won't. But I wish I didn't change all those years ago. I wish someone said to me, "Hey. What are you doing? You'll make a great teacher! You'll regret this, you know!"

There's no real solution here. There's no real conclusion to this post. I wish I knew what to do or where I was going with all of this, but I suppose it's just venting. I'm confused, just like this post seems to be, just like I always seem to be nowadays.